These are the Jokes from February, removed from the main jokes page.
Riddle!
I have a head and a tail, but no body.
I have feathers, but no skin.
I kill, but I do not eat.
I can rip through skin like paper, yet even the breeze can make me waver.
What am I?
Answer(Highlight the space for the answer): An Arrow
Feb 28th
Did you know???
-Worms reportedly taste like bacon.
-A Swedish man, 44 years old, survived under snow for 2 months.
-Statistically, 1/4 of all kids in the USA are overweight.
Feb 27th
Did you know???
-A company in Taiwan creates dinnerware out of wheat so that you can eat your plate.
-It was once illegal to have a dog in Iceland.
-In Tibet, it is considered good manners to stick out your tongue at someone.
Feb 26th
The guy who invented knock knock jokes should be given a No-bell(Nobel) prize.
Feb 25th
Puns!
-I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but then I got over it.
-Sleeping is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.
Feb 24th
Did you know???
-Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
-Cherophobia is the fear of fun.
-Epistemophobia is the fear of knowledge.
Feb 23rd
Did you know???
-An adult giraffe's kick is so powerful that it can decapitate a lion.
-9 egg yolks have once been found in the same chicken egg.
-The only food that cockroaches wont eat are cucumbers!
Feb 22nd
Once upon a time Dracula decided to host a competition to see who would be the finest companion bat, between three bats. The rules were simple, whichever bat drank the most blood would win. The first bat went out, and after 10 minutes he came back with his head covered in blood. He said: "I went over to that field and drank the blood of all the pigs and goats." The seconds bat goes out, and after 15 minutes, comes back with half his body covered with blood. He says: "I went to that farm and drank the blood of all the humans, sheep, and cattle. Dracula is very impressed and sends the third bat out. The third bat comes back after a minute completely soaked with blood. Dracula is amazed at the speed and ferociousness of the bat, and asks him what he did. He replies: "You see that mansion over there?" With baited breath Dracula confirms that he does. "Well," says the bat, "I didn't."
Feb 21st
Did you know???
-The shark is the only fish that can blink both its eyes simultaneously.
-Prince William and Prince Charles never travel on the same airplane in case of a crash.
-In Albania, nodding you head means no and shaking it means yes.
Feb 20th
Did you know???
-Statistically, 1/9000 of people are albino.
-Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature drops below 86 degrees Fahrenheit.
-On average, 100 people each year die from choking on ballpoint pens.
Feb 19th
Jack and Tom were sitting in a saloon. A cowboy walks in and says: "I hate those wolves! Today they just killed off half my flock!! I will pay anyone one thousand dollars for every
wolf they kill." Jack and Tom finish off their drinks and go out to kill a wolf, hopefully a few. the cowboy spots them leaving and says: "Bring me back their coats as proof!" After a while, they finally spot a wolf. Tom throws a rock at it, stunning it, and Jack finishes it off with a rifle. The dead wolf falls down the hill around 70 feet, and Jack and Tom go down after it to get it's skin. As Jack whips out his jackknife and is about to skin the dead wolf, Tom interrupts him and says: "J-Jack? I think you better see this!" Jack, getting annoyed by his interruption, angrily turns around and asks him what the matter is. Tom, still shaking, points to the pack of 5000 wolves surrounding them, revenge in their eyes. "AWESOME!" says Jack, "Were going to be millionaires!!!"
FEARLESS SAVAGE, IS HE NOT?
Feb 18th
Did you know?
-If you take a chunk of pure gold this size of a matchbox and squash it thinly, you can make it cover the area of a tennis court.
-All porcupines can float on water.
-It takes 3000 folds to wear down a dollar bill, statistically.
Feb 17th
Teacher: "Why are you late?" *glares*
Me: "Because class started before I got here."
Feb 16th
Did you know???
- Ants dont sleep, at all.
-Coca-cola was originally green.
-The average human eats around 8 spiders in their sleep.
Feb 15th
"Nobodies perfect"
I don't appreciate you calling me a nobody.......
Feb 14th
Just a note, professional businesses do NOT appreciate "Pokemon Master" as a previous occupation.
Feb 13th
"Bob, did you take a shower this morning?"
"Why, is there one missing?"
Feb 12th
I was at the beach and I saw a man swimming to shore as fast as he could, shouting "HELP! Shark! HELP!!"
I just laughed, I knew the shark wouldn't help him.
Feb 11th
I advise you, dont mess with me.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Jui-Jitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Feb 10th
A boss was talking to an applicant and telling him the 2 main rules of the job.
"Our 2nd main rule is cleanliness, did you wipe your feet on the door mat as you walked in?"
So the applicant said: "Yes, yes I did."
The boss then replied: "Our 1st main rule is trustworthiness, there is no mat."
Feb 9th
I was asked to be a speaker at a charity event next weekend.
I've just finished painting a giant black cardboard box for my costume.
Feb 8th
I just got thrown out of a casino.
Apparently the crap table isn't what I thought it was..........
Feb 7th
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Feb 6th
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Feb 6th
Children: For the first few years you teach them how to walk and talk and for the next 16 years you tell them to sit down and shut up.
Feb 6th
I was beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card."
Feb 6th
Teacher: *glares at me* What do you call a person who keeps talking and commenting even though nobody is listening?
Me: A Teacher?
Feb 6th
A man was sitting in the first row of the town hall heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech. Finally, getting fed up, he pointed to the troublemaker and and said: "Will that gentleman who disagrees with me stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice, "I voted against you in the last election"
Feb 5th
Yo mama so stupid she locked herself inside her motorcycle.
Feb 5th
Yo mama so fat when she stepped on a scale it said her phone number.
Feb 5th
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they
worked.
Feb 4th
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
Feb 4th
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.…
Feb 3rd
Whenever I get upset I try to imagine a T-rex trying to pick up a cupcake.
Feb 3rd
If plan A doesn't work, keep calm. The alphabet has 25 more letters.
Feb 2nd
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Feb 1st
3 Turtles are going for a picnic. They pack tons of sandwiches and cans of lemonade. Because they are turtles, it takes them 10 days to get to the picnic spot. Once they are there however, they discover they don't have a can opener, and they decide one turtle will go back to get it.The chosen turtle however, refuses to go get it, saying the other 2 will eat the sandwiches while he is on his long journey.When the other turtles swear on their lives that they wont eat the sandwiches, he reluctantly agrees and sets off.However, after 20 days, the other turtle has not returned. The turtles are getting very hungry but they don't want to break their promise, so they keep waiting. Days pass, and by the 30th day, both of the other turtles are starving.They decide that the other turtle has forgotten about them, and they hate to break their promise, but they agree to take one sandwich each to eat. Just as they are about to bite into them, the 3rd turtle jumps out from the bushes behind them and yells: I KNEW YOU WOULD EAT THE SANDWICHES!! I'M NOT GOING!
Jan 31st, 2012
There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other ''How do you drive this thing?"
Jan 31st,
Riddle!
I have a head and a tail, but no body.
I have feathers, but no skin.
I kill, but I do not eat.
I can rip through skin like paper, yet even the breeze can make me waver.
What am I?
Answer(Highlight the space for the answer): An Arrow
Feb 28th
Did you know???
-Worms reportedly taste like bacon.
-A Swedish man, 44 years old, survived under snow for 2 months.
-Statistically, 1/4 of all kids in the USA are overweight.
Feb 27th
Did you know???
-A company in Taiwan creates dinnerware out of wheat so that you can eat your plate.
-It was once illegal to have a dog in Iceland.
-In Tibet, it is considered good manners to stick out your tongue at someone.
Feb 26th
The guy who invented knock knock jokes should be given a No-bell(Nobel) prize.
Feb 25th
Puns!
-I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but then I got over it.
-Sleeping is so easy I could do it with my eyes closed.
Feb 24th
Did you know???
-Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
-Cherophobia is the fear of fun.
-Epistemophobia is the fear of knowledge.
Feb 23rd
Did you know???
-An adult giraffe's kick is so powerful that it can decapitate a lion.
-9 egg yolks have once been found in the same chicken egg.
-The only food that cockroaches wont eat are cucumbers!
Feb 22nd
Once upon a time Dracula decided to host a competition to see who would be the finest companion bat, between three bats. The rules were simple, whichever bat drank the most blood would win. The first bat went out, and after 10 minutes he came back with his head covered in blood. He said: "I went over to that field and drank the blood of all the pigs and goats." The seconds bat goes out, and after 15 minutes, comes back with half his body covered with blood. He says: "I went to that farm and drank the blood of all the humans, sheep, and cattle. Dracula is very impressed and sends the third bat out. The third bat comes back after a minute completely soaked with blood. Dracula is amazed at the speed and ferociousness of the bat, and asks him what he did. He replies: "You see that mansion over there?" With baited breath Dracula confirms that he does. "Well," says the bat, "I didn't."
Feb 21st
Did you know???
-The shark is the only fish that can blink both its eyes simultaneously.
-Prince William and Prince Charles never travel on the same airplane in case of a crash.
-In Albania, nodding you head means no and shaking it means yes.
Feb 20th
Did you know???
-Statistically, 1/9000 of people are albino.
-Butterflies cannot fly if their body temperature drops below 86 degrees Fahrenheit.
-On average, 100 people each year die from choking on ballpoint pens.
Feb 19th
Jack and Tom were sitting in a saloon. A cowboy walks in and says: "I hate those wolves! Today they just killed off half my flock!! I will pay anyone one thousand dollars for every
wolf they kill." Jack and Tom finish off their drinks and go out to kill a wolf, hopefully a few. the cowboy spots them leaving and says: "Bring me back their coats as proof!" After a while, they finally spot a wolf. Tom throws a rock at it, stunning it, and Jack finishes it off with a rifle. The dead wolf falls down the hill around 70 feet, and Jack and Tom go down after it to get it's skin. As Jack whips out his jackknife and is about to skin the dead wolf, Tom interrupts him and says: "J-Jack? I think you better see this!" Jack, getting annoyed by his interruption, angrily turns around and asks him what the matter is. Tom, still shaking, points to the pack of 5000 wolves surrounding them, revenge in their eyes. "AWESOME!" says Jack, "Were going to be millionaires!!!"
FEARLESS SAVAGE, IS HE NOT?
Feb 18th
Did you know?
-If you take a chunk of pure gold this size of a matchbox and squash it thinly, you can make it cover the area of a tennis court.
-All porcupines can float on water.
-It takes 3000 folds to wear down a dollar bill, statistically.
Feb 17th
Teacher: "Why are you late?" *glares*
Me: "Because class started before I got here."
Feb 16th
Did you know???
- Ants dont sleep, at all.
-Coca-cola was originally green.
-The average human eats around 8 spiders in their sleep.
Feb 15th
"Nobodies perfect"
I don't appreciate you calling me a nobody.......
Feb 14th
Just a note, professional businesses do NOT appreciate "Pokemon Master" as a previous occupation.
Feb 13th
"Bob, did you take a shower this morning?"
"Why, is there one missing?"
Feb 12th
I was at the beach and I saw a man swimming to shore as fast as he could, shouting "HELP! Shark! HELP!!"
I just laughed, I knew the shark wouldn't help him.
Feb 11th
I advise you, dont mess with me.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, Tae Kwon Do, Jui-Jitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Feb 10th
A boss was talking to an applicant and telling him the 2 main rules of the job.
"Our 2nd main rule is cleanliness, did you wipe your feet on the door mat as you walked in?"
So the applicant said: "Yes, yes I did."
The boss then replied: "Our 1st main rule is trustworthiness, there is no mat."
Feb 9th
I was asked to be a speaker at a charity event next weekend.
I've just finished painting a giant black cardboard box for my costume.
Feb 8th
I just got thrown out of a casino.
Apparently the crap table isn't what I thought it was..........
Feb 7th
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Feb 6th
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Feb 6th
Children: For the first few years you teach them how to walk and talk and for the next 16 years you tell them to sit down and shut up.
Feb 6th
I was beating this guy with a club when I realized, "I can find a better weapon than this stupid poker card."
Feb 6th
Teacher: *glares at me* What do you call a person who keeps talking and commenting even though nobody is listening?
Me: A Teacher?
Feb 6th
A man was sitting in the first row of the town hall heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech. Finally, getting fed up, he pointed to the troublemaker and and said: "Will that gentleman who disagrees with me stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice, "I voted against you in the last election"
Feb 5th
Yo mama so stupid she locked herself inside her motorcycle.
Feb 5th
Yo mama so fat when she stepped on a scale it said her phone number.
Feb 5th
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed, I never knew they
worked.
Feb 4th
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
Feb 4th
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.…
Feb 3rd
Whenever I get upset I try to imagine a T-rex trying to pick up a cupcake.
Feb 3rd
If plan A doesn't work, keep calm. The alphabet has 25 more letters.
Feb 2nd
Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Feb 1st
3 Turtles are going for a picnic. They pack tons of sandwiches and cans of lemonade. Because they are turtles, it takes them 10 days to get to the picnic spot. Once they are there however, they discover they don't have a can opener, and they decide one turtle will go back to get it.The chosen turtle however, refuses to go get it, saying the other 2 will eat the sandwiches while he is on his long journey.When the other turtles swear on their lives that they wont eat the sandwiches, he reluctantly agrees and sets off.However, after 20 days, the other turtle has not returned. The turtles are getting very hungry but they don't want to break their promise, so they keep waiting. Days pass, and by the 30th day, both of the other turtles are starving.They decide that the other turtle has forgotten about them, and they hate to break their promise, but they agree to take one sandwich each to eat. Just as they are about to bite into them, the 3rd turtle jumps out from the bushes behind them and yells: I KNEW YOU WOULD EAT THE SANDWICHES!! I'M NOT GOING!
Jan 31st, 2012
There are two fish in a tank.
One says to the other ''How do you drive this thing?"
Jan 31st,